Traveling Your Road to Happiness—Without Your Ex
Disconnecting from your old partner, and your old life, doesn’t mean throwing away all of the good things you felt during those years. Your treasured memories―like good times with your children, great vacations, loving moments, and family traditions―can certainly accompany you into your new life. Instead, disconnecting means unplugging yourself from any and all negative thoughts, emotions, activities, people, possessions, and other entanglements from your old life that no longer serve you, and creating new ones that serve your vision for a better future and a happy new life. When you do this, you will engage with your ex-partner in a different way―a way that is healthier for both of you.
Walk your own road
The best way to start walking your own road into the future is simply to take a deep breath, steel yourself, and pull the plug on your old relationship―in your head, and in your heart.
At first, this will be easier to do in your head. You will start to think of yourself and your situation in a new way. You will learn to make plans that don’t include your ex-partner. You will learn to dream about a happy new future that reflects what you want.
Your heart may take longer to catch up―and that’s okay. Emotions are not rational: fear, longing for your lost love, and even rage can creep in when you aren’t expecting it. Despite this, it’s important not to backslide, or plug in again to your ex-partner or your old life. When you do that, stress and chaos will follow.
You can learn my process for Disconnection and mapping your diverging path in this post―but what’s most important to realize is that, however you choose to pull that plug, you must go through this process of Disconnection if you want to travel toward a new future in an empowered way―even if you are hoping to get together with your partner again at some point. In this last case, you will never feel empowered if you are constantly waiting for your ex to “remember” you and the way things were, or if you keep trying to change yourself to be the person you think your ex wants. Also, if you keep living in the past and replaying old grievances, you will never make the changes that will keep you from repeating the relationship dynamics that caused your breakup in the first place.
If you are really struggling with unplugging from your old life, or if you strongly or irrationally desire to pretend that this separation never happened, you may want to consult with a psychologist or other professional. Such a person can help you through the process of disconnecting in a positive way, and help you gain the self-confidence you need to move forward.
Your new future starts today. Are you ready to meet it?
Choose a Star Action as a
Gift to Yourself Today!
The Star Actions are part of my Positive Separation Method and give you a positive boost in the direction of happiness. When you’re feeling down or your heart is hurting, try doing one of these simple actions. Chances are, you will feel better almost immediately! Learn more about Star Actions in this post.
Traveling Light into Your Happy Future: When you disconnect from your old life, you’ll want to pack light, and focus on bringing the best parts of yourself along with you. Ask two of your best friends or colleagues to write down what they think are your ten best characteristics. Post their lists in a visible place in your house or on your phone’s start screen. Envision yourself on your happy path, with all of these wonderful thoughts about who you are as a person.
Walk Your Road to Happiness: Get a newspaper or several pieces of paper. Lay down these papers like a road across your floor. Try to make this “road” at least ten feet long (or as long as the room permits). At the beginning of your road, draw an electrical plug on the paper, or get a real cord from somewhere in your house. Take off your shoes, take a deep breath, and unplug―literally, or by tearing the plug you drew on the piece of paper. Then, put your shoes back on, and walk with a positive purpose along your road. This is your new beginning. Enjoy!
Sponge and Bubbles: A perfect way to light up your heart is some extra love to yourself. Take a foamy bubbly bath or a long, hot shower. Give extra attention to your heart while taking this moment for yourself. (Men, you can do this, too!) Cry, smile, sing, talk to yourself, and feel what your heart needs to reveal to you. Then, get yourself a soft towel and a cup of hot tea or an ice-cold juice, embrace yourself with your two arms, and tell yourself how brave you are. Smile at yourself in the mirror as you step out into the future your heart is longing for. Remember, within a couple of months (or even weeks), your life might look totally different. Repeat this Star Action whenever you find it hard to feel the sun shining on you.
Eveline Jurry is the creator of the Positive Separation Method™ and the author of three books, including ‘Happy Again! The Art of Positive Separation’. From her home base in Amsterdam, The Netherlands, she teaches people how to create a happy future during and after divorce or separation.